DBT 9: Accentuate the Positives

Paying Attention To Positives

Increasing our positive reactions to events is another step in learning to deal with difficult situations. We need some positive emotions to put in the place of the negative emotions, or to share their space. This is not an effort to invalidate the negative emotions that we feel. It IS a way of expanding our experiences, and of providing some alternatives to some of our difficult times.  We can build positive emotional experiences through Short Term Experiences and Long Term Experiences.

Short Term Experiences  Short-term positive experiences could be something like a swim, a walk in the park, going out for pizza, watching a favorite TV show, talking on the phone to a friend. Most of us probably already do something like this in our lives. We are asking you to INCREASE doing pleasant things that give you positive emotions. Doing more of this makes us feel good, which we deserve, even in the midst of all the turmoil, and it gets us in the habit of having positive feelings.

Take a look at the Pleasant Events Schedule. For the next week, do ONE THING every day from this list of 176 activities. It's helpful if you plan what you are going to do early in the day, but you might want to do something spontaneously. I would challenge you to do at least one thing on the list that you have never tried before, maybe something you have been wanting to do. Enjoy yourself.

Long Term Experiences  In addition to having short term pleasant experiences, we also want to do things and make changes in our lives that will make positive events happen more often. Marsha Linehan often speaks of having "a life worth living." This is part of what makes life worth living.

GOALS  What are some things that you can do to make your life more worth living in the long term?  If you are going to school, or planning to go to school, you have a plan, and are working toward a goal. For some people, their job may be a goal in itself, or preparation for a goal (another more challenging or interesting or better-paying job). Perhaps you would like to move into your own apartment, or attend a treatment program, or move, or even buy a pair of Jimmy Choos. Maybe you may be learning or want to learn a skill or a craft, or take art lessons or swimming lessons, visit a friend or family member or travel in another country or buy a car. The possibilities are endless.  Think about what you would like to do to make your life more pleasant in the future. Make a list. Now list some small steps you can take toward your goals. Take a first step and build from there.

RELATIONSHIPS  Another important area to work on for a more positive future is relationships. This is not an easy area for most of us. But we can do some things that will help.

1. Repair a Relationship  If you really care about a relationship that has gone bad or just lapsed, work on repairing it. Perhaps you will be inspired to renew a relationship or to work to repair a relationship. The rewards can be great.

2. Create a New Relationship  We can also reach out for new relationships. You may wish to choose a community activity, like a club and attend regularly. You will see the same people over and over, and begin to chat and feel familiar. Invite someone you like for coffee or a walk.

3. Work on a Current Relationship  This could include spouses, partners, children, parents, siblings, friends, coworkers, anyone who is close to you or with whom you spend a lot of time. If you think that your positive feelings would improve by working on a present relationship, then give it a try. Don't let all your happiness depend on one person. Try to cultivate a variety of relationships. 

Positive Mindfulness  These last two points are really important if you are going to have and keep positive experiences in your life.

1. BE MINDFUL OF POSITIVE EXPERIENCES  To be mindful of positive experiences means applying mindfulness to the things that give you pleasure. Focus your attention on the positive things that happen or that you do - a talk with a friend, a walk in the woods, an ice cream cone, a good night's sleep, anything that you enjoy. Focus your attention on it, and if your attention wanders, refocus as many times as necessary. This will help to get you into the habit of experiencing pleasure.

2. BE UNMINDFUL OF WORRIES  Distract yourself from:

§  Thinking about when the positive experience will end

§  Thinking about whether you really deserve this positive experience

§     Thinking about what might be expected of you now that you've had this experience

One of the most important ways to work on negative feelings is to provide yourself with some positive experiences to take the place of the negative ones. It's much easier to let go of negative feelings when you have something positive to put in their place.  Enjoy your life!