DBT Training: Interpersonal Effectiveness Overview

In this and following sessions we will be covering skills for enhancing the following types of effectiveness. 

Objectives Effectiveness Skills (using skills to get what you want)
Relationship Effectiveness Skills (using skills to maintain/improve a relationship)
Self Respect Effectiveness Skills (using skills to maintain your self-respect)

These skills can help you:
- Take care of your relationships 

-  Balance priorities (your needs) with other's demands (other's needs) 

-  Balance wants (things that you want to do) with shoulds (things you ought to do) 

-  Build mastery and self respect 

Objectives Effectiveness, Goals

-          Getting what you want , getting your wishes taken seriously 

-          Standing up for your rights in such a way that they are taken seriously 

-          Requesting others to do things in such a way that they do it 

-          Refusing unwanted or unreasonable requests and making the refusal stick 

-          Resolving interpersonal conflict 

-          Getting your opinion/point of view taken seriously

It is important to remember that no one is able to get everything they want from others all of the time. Some environments are "similarly impervious" to even the most skilled individuals. Increased interpersonal skills will increase your probability of getting your objectives met. In situations where it is impossible to get what you want, distress tolerance and radical acceptance become important interpersonal skills.

Relationship Effectiveness, Goals The art of maintaining or even improving an interpersonal relationship while you try to get what you want. When this works well, you will get what you want, and the person may like or respect you even more than before.

-          Acting in a way that makes the other person want to give you what you are asking for  

-          Acting in a way that makes the other person feel good about your saying no to their request 

-          Balancing immediate (short-term) goals with what is good for the relationship

Sometimes your main goal is to get the other person to approve of you more, stop criticizing or rejecting you, stay with you. In this case relationship effectiveness refers to choosing a way to do this (improve the relationship) that does not do damage to the relationship in the long term. It is also important to remember that you have to balance relationship goals with the other two type of goals.

A: Relationship begins > person sacrifices needs and wants to keep the relationship > frustration and unmet needs, huge inequities > relationship ends: big fight, partner walks out or you leave the relationship in frustration 

B: Relationship begins > difficult situations dealt with > unmet needs assessed > inequity assessed > big issue addressed 

Self-Respect Effectiveness, Goals Self-respect effectiveness involves maintaining or improving your good feeling about yourself and respecting your own values or beliefs, while you try to get what you want. It includes: acting in ways that fit your sense of morality and acting in ways that make you feel competent.  Personally, I think this is the most consistently important form of personal effectiveness.

Things that diminish self-respect over the long term: 

-          Giving in for the sake of approval

-          Lying to please others

-          Acting helpless (also diminishes your sense of mastery)